Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Amazon, Target
Valentine’s Day is upon us, which means love is in the air and candy is in my stomach. And what better way to say “I love you” than to pass brutal judgement on sweet treats for no reason other than I want to and feel like it!
First, a few guidelines. There will be some notable Valentine’s Day delicacies missing from this list. Chocolate-covered strawberries may be a delicious, thematic treat, but they are not a candy. This list also does not include most of the regular-degular candies that just repackage themselves in red and pink: your Skittles, your Starbursts, your Jolly Ranchers. It also doesn’t include anything from Sugarfina and its ilk because, as much as it pains me to say it, the fancy candy is in a category of its own.
With that in mind, here is the definitive ranking of the best Valentine’s Day candy, taking into consideration taste, novelty, thematic fit, and whether it suits me, personally. No further questions.
Criminal. Candy corn does not get to put on pink and red clothes and become a part of Valentine’s Day. Stay in your autumnal lane, corn!
A sick berry bathing in its own guts? No, thank you!
These are equal parts crunchy and sticky, painful and ancient. They are a murder weapon, not a candy.
These candies are hard but at least they taste bad! Bullying in the form of candy. Horrible.
A thematic candy cop-out! At least make them heart-shaped.
I repeat, a thematic candy cop-out! Imagine a world in which we were given heart-shaped M&Ms for Valentine’s Day. Until that happens, humanity will never reach full enlightenment.
I will award bonus points for the name “Kisses” being slightly more on-theme. However, Hershey’s Kisses are an unsatisfying treat unless they are placed in the middle of a warm peanut-butter cookie. Be gone, Hershey’s Kisses!
Dinner and a show! Unfortunately, while this is cute in concept, the actual candy tastes like chalky, Pepto-Bismol pills. I was rooting for you, Pez 🙁
I would rank these lower, but they get bonus points for novelty. Conversation hearts are an acceptable — though yucky! — Valentine’s Day candy. Unless we’re talking about the new Sweethearts candy hearts that say things like “push thru” and “chin up.” Those are a hate crime, and, if they come anywhere near me, I will press charges.
This is what Hershey’s Kisses wish they were. Not bad but not noteworthy. A solid five out of ten.
Hershey’s Hugs are the superior Hershey’s chocolate morsel. The only thing that would make them better is if they were Cookies ’n’ Creme instead of just milk and white chocolate. Something to consider, Mr. Hershey!
Is this easy to eat? No. Is it particularly good chocolate? Also no. However, one big Hershey’s Kiss is the hilarious work of a madman,